To The Man I Love The Most
You were at the wrong place at the wrong time and you were at the right place at the right time, which made everything fall perfectly into place. But every time I feel that things appear too perfect, I take a deep breath and thank God.
You were once afraid of showing your feelings for me, but the years you spent doubting yourself that you might not be able to get a chance to show your feelings for me is equally the same way I felt for you in a different scenario of my history. I would not want to change anything that happened to us in the past because I do not have a single regret on what I have with you right now.
Above all the men that I have met in my life, you are the only one I saw who really have the real sentiment for me. You see me and see something that no one else can. You read me even with your eyes closed. When your eyes are open, they seek mine like everything else is just a background. You hear me even in the silence of my voice. Your lips speak to me in a language that only the two of us can understand. Yes, its true that your presence is one of your strongest hold on me. But the thing is, your absence works the same way. Not seeing you just for a second takes the same amount of air in me.
I am a woman who clearly does not want to have a huge amount of vacant time. I want to make use of my time every single day no matter how big or small it is and because of that I easily get bored when there is not much that can keep me occupied. But when I am with you, sitting around doing nothing, walking with no definite destination or just lying down in bed listening to the music seems to be totally productive.
There has been many nights where my eyes are at rest but my imaginations about us are not willing to stop mingling inside my head like children who play like there is no tomorrow. You always complain about my late night sleeps, now you should know that you are one of the causes of it besides my afternoon coffee break.
I thought we will run out of first time moments for constantly seeing each other and being together day by day that tends everything to be just like the old times, but I was wrong. Every sunrise is our first time together and every dawn is our tomorrow, because there is no such thing as a completely same day.
You know what is amazing about you? You understand how my brain is wired in a certain way. You anticipate my every move I make like you belong to every nerve inside my body. You also exhibit telepathy in some circumstances especially when you’re trying to reach me when I am giving you the cold shoulders. You woke up the hibernating side of me which helped me to become the person I really want in the future.
Another great thing about you is that you are not just a very good companion but also an excellent motivator. You have collected many observations about me in the past years which in return made a great deal on helping you in understanding my personality. When I am losing my mind in a drug that I created you know what medicine would help me calm. I am very good at self-destruction and you are the only person that I know who never gave up on cheering me up until I am this sane normal version of myself again.
You’re like a walking journal who knows all my fears and writes it down for me. Then when my fear starts to haunt me, you open up the journal and erase the fears written on it. You were always there to support me while I was sorting things out in my life. You helped me find the missing puzzle pieces and helped me find my way out of the messy maze. You told me I did a bigger impact in changing your life than you did to mine, but the truth is I merely did anything, it was all you. All I did was admiring you.
I can compare you to all the material things in this world and manage to describe and relate you from it. But I will never be able to compare you to any man in this world. Because there was never the same you. It’s just you. Only you.
I believe in you and all your future plans that are waiting to take place. I want you to know that all throughout those years that we started of as very good friends, until now that we are in a relationship, my feelings for you never changed. It only grows stronger and bolder every time we wave off a problem together. We have been through many head shaking and heart aching problems, but we managed to went pass through it and just made it into a memorable paragraph of our story.
You know what is incredible about you that makes my jaw drop from time to time? You do not hide the weakness in your heart when it’s about us. You are undeniably confident in showing how afraid you are of losing me which makes me extra careful to avoid hurting your feelings. We then sit down, communicate to each other and get to the bottom of it. This is one of the things in our relationship that I value the most. The moment we learned to always open and verbally communicate our deep unsaid feelings for each other made our relationship at its healthiest state when things outside our relationship are trying their best to poison us.
They say not to put your own happiness in someone else’s hands. They say don’t rely on someone for your happiness. They say be responsible for your own happiness. I have heard them tell me not. I say those people are afraid. They are afraid to admit that when they love, they are already giving their happiness to someone else. When the person you love is happy, you automatically feel a vibrating sense of happiness inside of you too.
My career will end together with the material things that I posses. I will weaken, grow white hair and join the senior citizenship. In those moment of my life, I will no longer be able to handle my chosen career and use almost every material things that I bought which once made me happy. I am only left, if not unfortunate, with the only person who holds my happiness right in his palms. That is why I am not afraid to admit that you are the key to my lasting happiness. You took full responsibility of my happiness and carried it with you the exact time you took my heart.
Now, have I thank you enough for all the adventures that you brought into my life? No, I haven’t, but I want to make it up to you every single waking day of my life. I want to show you how much I appreciate the many little things you do for our relationship that are big enough to smash our every tomorrow’s challenges. You deserve all the love in the world because you know how valuable it is.
Stephen, I am not promising that I will love you forever. Because I asked God to decide on this journey that we want to take together. The only thing that I can promise is that I will continue bowing down and pray for Him every night to guide our relationship in every step of the way. I don’t hold the future. I don’t know what lies next to us, God does. Our individual stories has long been written ever since we were born. So if He wants us to be together, you will see me slowly walking my way down the aisle, wearing a white wedding gown towards you. This is where we both kneel in front of Him and say our unbreakable vows for each other. Vows that we intend to keep from that moment until the day we finally have to thank the earth for letting us experience life within it.
We’re gonna be living in the same roof. Protected by the same walls. Wake up from the same bed. But most of all, we’re gonna be opening the door of new opportunities together while building our own family. That house will experience many strong different emotions and I want that house to stay strong. Because if that house breaks down and loses foundation, it will shatter not only our lives, but it will create massive destruction to the lives we built.
It is a promise of a life time together and a wish to come face to face with God in heaven to gratefully show Him that we kept His words in our hearts.
P.S. I poured half of what I feel for you in this letter and will continue pouring the rest of it onto you. I love you!