A Guide After Going Through a Break Up and How to Move On

mood-girl-bokeh-photography-sad-alone

“Pain is an investment, so invest wisely.”

First, I’m not someone who’s professional at giving relationship and break up advises. But yes, I’ve gone through a freshly baked break up. So before you start scrolling down, I’d like to make it clear that these are just things that I did for my own good. The reason I shared this on my blog is because people told me that it might help other women out there who’s going through a heartbreak and doesn’t know what to do with the pain that they are feeling because of confusion.

The things I shared below is seriously not easy to accomplish, I myself admit that it takes a huge amount of self-control and brain twisting before I got a hold of everything. But if you’ve landed on my blog, it means that you’ve already taken a step to move on. So applaud yourself for that!

Nothing is easy when it comes to dealing with a heartbreak, people have different ways on how to cope up with what happened, but it is possible to take control of the situation instead of letting the situation take control of your entire life.

You ventured the relationship with a strong will to make it work, now that it is broken, move on with as much strength as you used when you were still fighting for it, because right now, you’re fighting for yourself, for your peace of mind and for the right man who’s somewhere in your future.

If you are expecting to read negative things about my ex-boyfriend in this post to intensify your grudge to men, I’m sorry but you won’t find one. This will just be all about moving on.

  1. Allow yourself to complete grieve for your broken relationship.

You must accept the pain and the terrible emotions that you’re feeling right now, because you have to naturally let it out. Do not try to suppress the pain, let it out. If your outlet is to cry, then cry as much as you want, but do not forget that you are scheduled to cry only at night, when all of your daily responsibilities has been accomplished. It isn’t bad to cry yourself to sleep, as long as you get just the right amount of sleep to do what you have to do the next day.

If you feel like you want to shout into the void, but you can’t because you’re not home alone, here’s what you can do. Grab your fluffy pillow, press your face into it and shout your lungs out! Shout out loud and say the words that you want, but don’t forget to pause for a while before letting another one out. Do this for several times when you feel that your chest is about to explode because of the pent up emotions that you’ve been trying to hold back the whole day.

I myself had a schedule of crying, there are days that I know that I won’t be able to cry because I just don’t feel like it, or nothing really strong provoked me to cry. My best friend seriously laughed at me when she heard this schedule. She told me that this is the first time that she heard a woman plan her crying days.

I had those long, tedious day where I’d cry myself to sleep. It won’t fix the broken relationship, but it will make you feel more comfortable when you wake up the next morning. You will still feel the pain, but it stings less than the past days. Oh, and do not pity yourself for crying for countless nights, because your body obviously needs it. Remember this, you’re not a loser, you’re a fighter because you braved the pain!

  1. Avoid making decisions while you’re emotionally dead unstable.

If there’s something that you should really take into account when going through a break up is to not jump into any decision making. Girl, don’t expect your heart to function well when it’s literally gasping for air after a break up. You must be aware that these aggressiveness that you feel right now is temporary and by chance, can ruin your entire life.

This is the time where you should often remind yourself that your heart cannot be trusted, and that the mind has to take over. The only decision that you should trust and have right now after giving your best to thread that broken relationship with him is to move on. Replay that in your head over and over again. Do not stop until it sticks.

  1. Stop posting on your social media accounts for a while.

Girl, trust me, 99% of the people around you doesn’t give a damn about your break up. Only your feelings with those people whom you know will really care about it and that’s just 1% of the people in your life. Right now, you don’t need everyone, you only need those who know you, will guide you, and won’t allow you to do stupid things. Believe me, in your state of aggressiveness due to the impact of the break up, you might do something that you will regret later on.

I also want you to stop sharing everything on social media or sending a blast that you’re already single (i.e. The highlight that Facebook makes when you change in the About section of your profile), because the last thing that you want right now is to feel pressured because of all the questions from other people who don’t really know anything about your relationship when you were still together with your ex. It’s not healthy for you mentally and emotionally.

If you think that you can’t avoid the questions thrown at you from time to time and you’re starting to feel annoyed, you can just tell them that you don’t want to talk about it. I don’t know what kind of person will still insist on getting the juice out of you after what you just said. Only a person who doesn’t know how to respect someone’s privacy will want to get you talking.

  1. Avoid bar hopping, flirting with other men and finding a rebound.

I’m not saying that you’re not allowed to have fun with your friends, but set a hard limit for yourself and avoid places that may provoke you on doing something that won’t really help you in the long run and will just give you the temporary giddy feeling. He doesn’t care about you anymore, so there won’t be a light and shining armor to save you from whatever reverie or danger you may get caught up with. Start being responsible for your own safety.

You may find yourself craving for care and attention from someone to fill in the empty feeling that your ex was once giving you, that’s normal, but find those attention from people who really cares about you (i.e. Best friend, close family member), not from strangers or any man out there whom you’ve got no clear idea of what his true intentions are.  Rebound won’t fix your scar, it will lead to another unwanted scar and may even be bigger than what you already have.

Divert those insane activities in your head to your hobbies, sports, passion or whatever it is that will keep you away from those kind of places for the meantime and still make you occupied. If you still can’t stop yourself from bar hopping, answer this question, “Why do you want to go to the bar?” Yeah, you got that right, the answer is to have fun. Now answer this, “Why do people go to the bar?” Exactly! To have fun too! Now, do you think you can find your perfect soulmate in places similar to those? You will only meet and mingle with people with the same intention as yours when you stepped inside the door.

  1. Don’t blame yourself for the break up.

I’ve been there, done that and girl, it isn’t healthy to think that way if you’re trying to move on. First, you didn’t initiate the break up. Second, thinking that you should have done this or that won’t get him back, because as far as I know, most of the time, the person who decided to walk away from the relationship has already thought hard about it. So, if you already tried getting him back, there’s no point blaming yourself.

Always think about this, if a man loves you, he will stay with you no matter how difficult things can get, because when the time comes that you’re already husband and wife, he cannot just abandon you after taking an oath. So, if he leaves and never comes back, he’s not what you’ve been thinking of. He is not the man for you.

  1. Stop questioning yourself and stop searching for answers.

You lose energy that is supposedly allotted for yourself every time you try to look for patterns in your break up. No matter what his answer is, your mind will create its own acceptable reasons that contradict what he said because of the hope that you might be the one who’s right and he might just be losing his mind at the moment. Girl, stop and save yourself from digging your own misery.

The moment you stop questioning yourself, you’ll feel more open to take the moving on stage to the next level. Besides, he must not be thinking of the broken relationship by now. What in the world are you still doing with yourself and giving him the power over you? Right? So snap out of it! You’re not damaging him, you’re damaging yourself, big time.

  1. Do yourself a favor and clean up your social media account.

You already know the old routine of deleting photos and everything related to an ex-boyfriend after a break up. But here’s something that you might want to try for a change… Filter and delete the people that appears on your Newsfeed that remind you of your ex-boyfriend. In this generation, we tend to spend more time on social media in our free time, so to prevent you from moving on because you see the same faces that supports your ex, and are friends with your ex, and are not really your friends, delete them.

Another reason for doing this is to free yourself from wanting people to pity you or take your side because you’re the one who got left behind. It is also a way for you to completely be yourself without proving anyone, especially his friends that you’re the one who’s damaged and desperate for attention and validation. Let his friends be his people and stay his friends, because you have your own circle of people who will be by your side.

You don’t need circulating false rumors and people who take sides, when all they know is one side of the story. You also don’t need to drag your friends into believing you and hating your ex, because the broken relationship isn’t their doing, it’s you and your ex’s issue.

  1. Sister, stop playing the damn victim for a long time.

Victims are helpless and you’re not. If you want to move on, you have to play the doctor. You have to find the strength to cure yourself from the wounds. Even if an army of wonderful and loving people supports you to heal, they are powerless over you if you won’t help yourself to move on. You are the only one who can drag yourself into moving on. Don’t depend it on other people or, don’t blame anyone for not being able to completely understand your situation. You have to be very responsible for your emotions from now on.

  1. Learn to accept the break up while recovering from the pain one day at a time.

I found that the best way to actually move on is to go through the pain, wholeheartedly accept the break up, forgive yourself for all the things you should and shouldn’t have done, learn from it, then open yourself to peace, freedom, opportunities and continue living just the way he’s moving on with his life. Don’t get yourself left behind, pedal and keep yourself moving until you find your soul again. Learn to accept and forgive yourself and the person who hurt you. You’re not doing this for them, it’s for you.

Do not try to delete him from your life or wish that you’ve never met him, because reality speaking, he already took up that time and place in your life, because you voluntarily gave it to him. As Augustus Waters said in the movie The Fault in Our Stars, “You get to choose who hurt you.”

Let the memories stay, it will have its own treasure chest and will be locked away when you’re ready to focus on what’s ahead of you. You don’t have the power to time travel, but you have the power to pave the road you want without him.

  1. Go on a music therapy from the start until the final stage of moving on.

I created a break up playlist the moment I felt that he was about to finalize the break up and I listened to it for 3 weeks. When I felt sad and uneasy I drown myself with those deep songs and just let myself go with the flow of dreadful pain. While moving on and hearing those songs over and over again, you’ll feel bored and annoyed listening to the same songs every day, then you’ll feel that you want to change your playlist from sadness to a livelier list. This is the time where you’ll somehow feel that you’re finally tired of the pain and that you really want to just be happy again.

Your ears got tired of listening to the same songs because your heart is tired of feeling the unwanted things again and again. You can’t tolerate it anymore. When I found myself feeling bored with the songs on my mobile, I then realized that I am ready to change my entire playlist together with my life. I am ready to start listening to happy and upbeat music again, embrace the change and really move on.

  1. Read articles that will help you reinvent yourself.

I know you want to read articles on how to get your ex-boyfriend back, but refrain from doing it, because you should know by now that you already tried doing that and you failed. Don’t attempt on doing it again to save yourself some respect. Instead, read articles that will uplift and broaden your understanding of life and yourself as an individual.

Read motivational quotes when you feel like you cannot handle the break up. Read women empowerment stories and how they courageously went through their own heartbreaks. Avoid the relationship section of any website and unlike those relationship pages that you are following that once motivated you to keep on falling in love, because right now, all you want to do is teach yourself to fall out of love.

  1. Surrender everything to God.

This is something that really helped me move on. I went to the church when I was finally ready to talk to God. I apologized for my mistakes, thank him for all the blessings and really appreciated how He wrote this love story of mine. I told him how in pain, how confused and how incapable I was to handle my current situation. That I need His guidance in the foggy days of my life and that I cannot handle the pain myself anymore. I don’t want this pain from the heartbreak anymore because it’s too strong that it might ruin me.

This is the kind of pain that I have never encountered before and I want to completely surrender it to God. It took me all my strength and courage to accept what happened and I knew I needed His help. I prayed to God to take away the pain because I want to forgive myself and the person I once loved. I don’t want to hold hatred and anger. I don’t want to feel the desperation anymore. I simply want the pain to subside.

I offered God myself and surrendered all the negativity and pain that I was feeling that moment while I’m inside the church. This is the first time that I actually told myself that I give up on being strong, that I seriously need help. I want to be healed, that’s all that mattered to me.

After taking my time on sincerely talking to Him and after opening up myself to Him, I really felt relief in my chest the moment I got up from my kneeling position. When I walked outside the church, I felt like my entire being has been cleansed. This isn’t the first time that I prayed, I pray every night before I sleep, but this kind of spiritual time and connection with God is something I never thought I could receive.

  1. Transform your revenge to your ex into something that will benefit you.

I know you want to skin your ex and extract every ounce of his being to satisfy your anger, but even if you accomplish revenging yourself for what he did, you are still not getting him back and it won’t complete you. Instead of sitting there and going crazy over plotting a murder to your ex, transform that anger into something that will benefit you.

Use your anger to turn you into this beautiful being that you never thought you can be after he ruined your mascara. Make use of the quote of Coco Chanel, “A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.” Girl, I cannot emphasize more, but you gotta put those energies to something that you will benefit, and not him, because leaving you is his version of what is beneficial to himself.

  1. Do the math with your moving on time and set an expiration date.

I personally do not believe in the 3 month rule. Everyone gets over a break up in their own way, some are fast and some take more than the said month. But most of the time, people don’t notice that they are no longer at that stage, that all of those moving on dramas are just in their head, and that they had already moved on without knowing it.

Just like a to-do list, mentally note down how much time do you really want to be imprisoned in this painful situation? Then set an expiration date. Now go through the painful hell of breaking down and getting your bed covered with your tears, but don’t forget to put an end to this one. Then, start refreshing your daily routine, redecorate your place to avoid remembering him. Unfollow him on all his social media accounts, because your stalking days must also have its expiration date. Delete his number from your brain not just in your phone and start being this gorgeous individual again.

When you create an actual schedule of moving on, you train your brain to stick with it, focus and do what has to be done properly. This isn’t easy, it takes a lot of motivation, but it is possible.

Imagine that your pain is a fairy tale, give it a story and end it in a way that will lead you to the new you. Tell this to yourself at the end of the page, “I am done with you and all the pain I’ve gone through, I love myself and I’m tired of giving you the power over me. I am now completely ready to move and I am closing this door behind me.”

  1. Don’t take the bait of false emotional need.

Don’t you dare go on a date when you haven’t completely moved on! If you go on a date while you haven’t put the past away, you will have this notion that you’re in love with this new guy, but the thing is, you’re just filtering the characters that you admired from your ex in him. In short, you don’t love the new guy, you’re just in love with the idea that he has the same interesting characters that you found from your ex. But in reality, you don’t accept this new guy as how he presented himself to you. Give yourself more time to be alone and just be friends with him. If you’ve really swept the new guy off his feet, he will wait for you.

  1. Be happy for him, because you once loved him.

If by chance you heard that he is already dating a new girl after a few days of your break up, be shocked, then reboot your entire system. Be happy for him and find your inner peace. It’s easier to naturally think good for someone else than suffer from wishing them negative things and holding hatred against them.

Your ex-boyfriend is also craving for attention from a woman just like the attention craving that you’ve gone through when he left you. The only difference is, you’re stronger because you want to fully be yourself again and heal from the pain before committing in a new relationship, but he couldn’t, because he surrenders himself to the circumstances.

If you know how your ex-boyfriend dealt with their past relationships, you already have an idea on what he will do after leaving you. You don’t need to imagine what he’s doing right now or whom he’s with, because you already know the answer. In that case, think of it this way, when he’s done with the new girl, he’ll do the same pattern again, because it satisfies his need. It’s not for the new woman, it’s for himself. You’re smart, use your logic, not your emotions.

Jumping from one relationship to another is not true love, its temporary self-satisfaction and that is something you need to avoid.

  1. Last but not the least…

Tell yourself this, “I forgive my past. I am not afraid to fall in love and get hurt again.”

 

If you have other ways on how to move on and if you want to share your story, please do comment down below! See you on my next blog! Thank you for stopping by! If you find this helpful or you know someone who needs to read this right now, please do share it…

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6 thoughts on “A Guide After Going Through a Break Up and How to Move On

  1. Lol. I did every don’ts in your list XD wahaha maybe except #4 because I don’t go to the bar. Also, I lost all of my friends (as in all) because all of them teamed up with him so I started to hate people. I’m into #13, the revenge. I didn’t have any support so I was filled with hate even now. But I’m using that hate as a springboard. Focusing on my studies and career.
    You’re very strong and mature. Virtual hug for ya!

    Liked by 1 person

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